| 2008: A Reflection |
[02 Jan 2009|03:46am] |
This year has been, to say the least, a tumultuous one. It began with the death of my grandmother, it concluded with the death of my grandfather and my great aunt, and it shook up myself and my family in many, many ways. As the year started when I got back from NTI and ended with my graduation from college, I feel that 2008 left me a very different person then I was when I began.
- I graduated college
- I finished my thesis
- I became the penguin man
- I moved into my first apartment
- I got my first job as an actor (Huntington Theatre)
- I bought my new car
- I have dealt with the ensuing law suit about my new car
- Tim
- North
The usual ups and downs that take place throughout the year but, when you look back at them, seem to amount to much more then as individual events.
- My grandmother passed in January
- My sister was bat mitvahed in April
- My cousin made some poor decisions that I heard about in May
- I went to my Uncle Donnie's Christmas party. And stayed.
- My grandfather passed in November
- My great aunt passed in December
But on December 31st of 2008, as I sat in my basement again, one year later, I was sitting with Laura, Jess, and Leesha as the ball came down (with Molly in spirit). And there we were, laughing and remarking just how crazy life is now that we are getting ready to graduate. To start the decent out of the college into life. But some friends don't go away. I think that's pretty amazing.
Perhaps I'll actually lose the weight and put on the muscle that's part of my new year's resolution. Perhaps, this time next year, I'll be in graduate school and working towards my career. Perhaps I will fulfill at least one of my goals I have set for myself in addition to all the other's that will inevitably arise. Perhaps.
Happy New Year.
|
|
| No. Way. |
[26 Nov 2008|02:11am] |
What? What?? What???
Life...makes no sense.
A few days ago, I felt like I was stuck in a rut with no way out.
Today, I'm walking on a cloud.
Thank goodness I'm getting coffee with Leesha, Jess, Laura, and Molly.
|
|
| Things I Don't Cope Well With But Are Happening In My Life |
[26 Oct 2008|11:32pm] |
1. Lawsuits
2. Insane amounts of fucktardedness
3. When said fucktardedness is accompanied by a serving of "mean"
4. Thesis
5. Design class
6. Things that I let get under my skin
I mark today with many negative things. Now it can get better.
|
|
| Turn Off Your Brain |
[15 Oct 2008|12:23am] |
I had a professor tell me, for the first time, to turn off my brain. I over think, and sometimes, I need to just let myself emotionally respond. Granted, it was my design teacher. Granted, I'm dead on the inside and thus cannot emote when listening to music I did not chose. Granted, I'm all kinds of in love with the man, but the point is this: my college career ends in 8 weeks and it's starting to hit.
I'm old. I sit and drink wine and throw dinner parties and think about my future and how my choices are going to effect my financial status in years to come and worry about insurance and bills and jobs and the house and grad school applications.
I seek solace in the one day a week I go and work with penguins at the Aquarium and then, sometimes, when time allows, I sit and drink coffee with my best friend. And that, that is timeless.
|
|
| Two Strikes and a Ball, but no Bases |
[09 Sep 2008|10:16pm] |
I haven't posted in here for a while, but over the past week or so I've started to let some things sit on my shoulders and I'm starting to feel a little...cracked? Life has a funny way, with those ups and downs, but it seems that my ups and downs have been pretty steep in both directions. Well, now I'm on a down, and with classes and a new show starting, it's starting to be too much.
-My Grandmother's unveiling was on Sunday. I haven't lost a relative, not someone close to me, so I don't know when I get to stop crying during Kaddish, but it hasn't happened yet. I was with my Mom, and she held onto me at the graveyard, and we stood with family and told stories and I don't know why I don't feel her around me like my Aunt and my cousins. I just miss her.
-I'm driving to NH tomorrow. Milo developed cancer, and it's time. My Dad and Jamie called tonight and we talked about it, and I need to be there. Not for them, for myself. I'm leaving tomorrow night, after rehearsal, and I'm coming back Thursday in time to usher for work. Missing one day of class.
-We're having some problems with Ben. Or, rather, Kitty. Ben is doing alright, being a kitten and a pain in the butt, but Kitty is having a hard time adjusting to another cat and she's starting to get sick. She has been vomiting the last week or so, and a few days ago, she vomited blood and the vet said it's because her throat is raw. So, I'm exploring some options. I don't want to. But once again, the vet in my knows that this isn't working and that, in fact, it's only making Kitty miserable and sick and Ben miserable because he wants to play and stays in my room more often then not. I hate being responsible.
Additionally, I have a lot of things I should be telling people. People who I care about who have the right to know how I feel. But I can't do it. I'm trying though.
I think I have things I need to tell myself. Like "calm down" and "chill out" but those don't seem to be making it through the conversation barrier either.
|
|
| If you write out my life on post it notes, you can make some pretty pictures |
[23 Jul 2008|02:42am] |
I realized that the last time I posted, I was sitting in my dorm room and looking in the face of finals. I didn't realize how much has happened since then until I stopped to think about it. And now that I have, it's pretty overwhelming.
- I'm moving out. Lind's and I found a place a while back now and we just finished signing the lease and putting our down payment, well, down. It's in Attleboro, not too far from anything and right off the commuter rail to Providence. I am exciting, though I have never had to put everything I own in boxes and prepare to move into a new house. By myself. It's a bit overwhelming now that the moving date is approaching. I get my keys this weekend and slowly but surely, I'll be moved in by the night of August 1st.
- I went to California; to LA and to San Fransisco.
- I fell in love with the west coast.
- I bought cupcakes with the woman who played the wife on Seventh Heaven.
- I went to two amazing parties, stayed on Venice Beach, and had a fantastic time.
- I got hit on by the photographer of Victoria Secret.
- I went to New York and saw Meg, Anwen, and Crystal. I can't begin to express how much I needed to see them, and even though it wasn't the smartest decision and it was done on a huge time crunch, I am so glad I went.
- We went to Coney Island and caught a freak show and ate good corn dogs.
- We got yelled at by the waiter for not tipping him enough.
- I walked through Harlem at night time and feared for my life. Just a little.
- I went to Michigan. Lind's, Jack, and I had a great time.
- We partied with Drew Barrymore at a club. She through someone out.
- I adopted a kitten. His name is Benjamin.
- We ate too much good food.
- I got mad bling.
- So much Art Fair, so little time.
- I'm getting a new car. I've been doing research and watching the road for cars and I've test drive any small car that gets good gas mileage under the sun. I've finally picked one out, and now I'm working on settling some money down before the weekend comes to a close. It makes me happy and I think I'll just live in it for a while.
- I've applied and interviewed for the Penguin Man position at the New England Aquarium. That's right, I just may be living up to my claims that someday I shall work with the penguins in a wet suit. I'm waiting to see if I make it past the first round of interviews to round 2, which is another interview with the head of a specific department. I don't know how it went; there were generic questions and it was all very overwhelming.
After not being able to stay in the state for the past few weeks, it was nice to settle down to some packing and laundry and Jess coming over and seeing Leesha tomorrow.
Oh, and I'm excited for the Olympics. Even if it's making me feel fatter and lazier then ever. In a bad way.
|
|
| Big Cities, Big Plans |
[25 Apr 2008|02:57am] |
What with the time of year, and it being 2008, I find myself starting many sentences with "I remember when..." It seems all so long ago. How old am I? I'm old. And yet, never old enough.
I went to New York City last weekend, to see NTI people and watch as my friend Dominique's show went up. It was beautiful, it did famously, and I was thrilled to sit in a crowded area and catch up with some of my favorite people. I'm actually going back into the city this weekend with Meghan, Nicole, and Sarah for our senior ensemble. That class, let it be said, is a whole other can of worms.
Tomorrow, or rather, in8 hours, Lindsey and I are going around to the properties that we've been looking at for a while now. It's hard to believe that I'll be getting my own apartment, and come December, I'll actually be living there. Not going to school, but living in my own place and getting a job to support myself while deciding what to do next. I have come up with a whole slew of options. New York, San Fran, Russia, England, France, Providence Rhode Island...some involve grad school, some training, some just living.
A friend of mine from NTI is leaving Dartmouth, dropping out, and moving to France to work in a flower shop. Another friend just dropped all classes she didn't like only to get accepted into the grad program at TISH for musical theatre writing, and she received a full ride. There are lot's of other stories from the people I spent last semester with, and all of them are crazy and ambitions and wonderful, and all of us talk about how we need to live and not wait. So I want to live; I don't want to wait. I don't want to waste any of my time planning or preparing when I can throw myself into it all head first and maybe drown a little bit. But I figure, hey, I'll make it to the surface.
Or at least I died trying.
I still miss Spain. I miss a lot of people. I miss the way I felt when I was with them. I am greatly looking forward to this summer. I'll be in Needham (or rather, taking little travel excursions out of Needham) and working on my thesis (which I just found out I have to write and I only have one semester to do it in). I want to take that road trip. I am flying out to Michigan (I bought my ticket). I want to see my Dad and go to Pollards Mills, the best swimming hole around. So I will.
And I will rediscover myself through simply being and experiencing. That, and many, many cups of coffee.
|
|
| Adding it to the blue post-it note |
[14 Apr 2008|02:03am] |
I don't know...
I just don't know...
I feel like I have a lot to write; a lot to get out. That's why I logged on at 2am. But those are really the only words I can think of.
Perhaps I'll wait until I'm next in a coffee shop. I collect more thoughts there. Always have.
|
|
| Watching the wheels go round and round |
[03 Mar 2008|01:32am] |
|
My singlemate is watching a movie in his room. The volume is turned up. High.
I am making myself go to this lecture class tomorrow. I'm trying not to put off the rest of my work until break when I'll "do it in my down time." I'm failing. Temptation is too great.
The duct tape is starting to come lose from the cinder blocks. It's because the temp keeps changing from hot and cold too fast. I can't believe it's March.
It's March. I'm almost at my last spring break.
|
|
| It's sad, the way I hate weekends |
[23 Feb 2008|06:27pm] |
There are usually things that I have figured out this far into Spring semester, and the 2008 discovery is this: I hate weekends. See, during the week, I can busy myself with classes and rehearsals and homework and things to keep my mind off the fact that I really don't like being back at Wheaton. I like my professors, I like my classes, I like my schedule, but all those things go away at 4pm every Friday when my rehearsal ends until Sunday when another one starts.
For the past two, I shouldn't have been here anyway. Thanks to mother nature, disease and weather have prevented me from keeping busy the past few weeks, and I think I'm just starting to get antsy. Frustrated. Pissed off, if you will. In need of some time in the coffee shop.
Perhaps this extends into my annoyance for still trying to get my undergraduate degree. I was done with the thrill of living away from home, the "parties" and drunk people, alcohol consumption for the sake of getting drunk because it's Friday night, and all the other wonderful perks of college halfway through my sophomore year. I was done with preppy kids who don't actually want to be in school by the end of my sophomore year. I was done with the loud music playing across the hall about an hour ago when it woke me from my nap. Many people say the real world and post-college is scary; I've been looking forward to it for about a year now.
|
|
| What I'm doing with my life at Wheaton |
[31 Jan 2008|08:50pm] |
I'm back at Wheaton this semester. I can't really decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I wish NTI ran for a year, but I guess a semester is all I get of that. On the bright side, I'm staying fairly busy this semester (as with all semester).
I'm back on track taking five classes. This semester, as opposed to other semesters, I seem to have a lot more reading. Or, at least, a lot more reading that I actually have to do and then understand and prepare for class. I got to drop out of Greek after a nice long chat with the head of the Classics department who cleared me to graduate with my Classic Civ major with only 2 years of Greek. No grad school applicant for Classics, but I'll live. So two days a week, I have one class, but two days a week I get to sit through four. It's a living.
I got into the mainstage show this semester. We're doing Dracula. It sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun. I'm pretty pumped. I'm also working on two new plays (I dont know why I signed up for both) and I will be working with my friend on her thesis production as well. It's based on atudes, so a lot more movement. I'm looking forward to it. That, and my other friend is casting his thesis for his translation of Electra at some point, so I'll be going to those as well.
Busy busy busy. It's any wonder I'm so tired all the time. But that's the way I like it.
|
|
| It changed a lot, but now I just dont know |
[22 Dec 2007|01:36am] |
What I thougt was just for fun ended up meaning more to me then I wanted it to. Not in something that want to pursue, but in something that got under my skin. It made me feel physically empowered and beautiful, and more comfortable with myself then I have ever been. But now I dont know how to get that feeling back.
I'm stuck. In a rut.
|
|
| A quick stop and reflection |
[22 Nov 2007|07:41pm] |
|
Right now, at this moment in my life, mid way through the National Theatre Institute and post Eurotrip experience, I know exactly who I am, what it is I want, and how I'm going to get it.
|
|
| Heading into my Fear |
[08 Sep 2007|10:03pm] |
I leave for NTI tomorrow.
I am prepared to drive myself to all possible limits. Work hard for something I dont really understand. Try, try, try again.
But in three months, people that I know I should listen to will tell me one of two things: go for it, or give it up.
What makes it so scary is that it could be the last three months I spend believing I belong in the theatre.
|
|
| Is it really possible to prep for NTI? |
[07 Sep 2007|02:02am] |
No, the answer to that question is a plain and simple "no". I managed to inhale all 18 of their reading list books since I got back in the middle of August. Hell, I read all of Ovid's work and I live to tell the tale. I've picked out 5 out of 6 of my monologues (I can always fib the final modern monologue) and I've just finished memorizing the two I need to have "worked on" for the day I get there (being the 9th, or, this Sunday). Hell, I even picked two songs I am going to sing for when I get there and I have the lyrics pretty much down.
What I can't write is this stupid list. A list! A list of things I never told someone. I have to chose a person, anyone from my mom, my dad, a customer, a coworker, my sister, anyone, and I have to write a long list of things I never told them. It has to "stretch the bounderies of theatre" and not fall into a world of satire.
What haven't I told someone? Why is this list the hardest part of this process. I even went out and found soft sole jazz shoes IN MY SIZE! I found the black turtleneck, the movement pants, the this and that and the other thing that are all required for when I get there, but I cannot for the life of me write this list.
I have no muse. It must have gotten drunk in Greece at that damn bar and never left.
Well, I can always write that 25 page paper that's supposed to be done before I go. I dont know, maybe that'd be a good idea.
I need my muse. I need more time...
|
|
| ReZone...Damn |
[18 Aug 2007|09:11pm] |
I still dont think I am back in the right frame of time. And I'm not over those siestas that I got so used to and so fond of.
Still, I spent the day with my sister. I even took her out to dinner (with much pleading from my mother to get her out of her hair). I can't believe she's 12. More importantly, I can't believe she's growing up.
I need to go see my great uncle. I'm not quite sure why I've put it off so long. My Mom didn't tell me when it happened, and I should probably say something to my cousin, as she would appriciate it much more then he, but I feel like it's more of something I need to do for myself then for someone else. I guess I need time to be a little selfish.
Suddenly, I have so little time left before I leave for NTI. I dont feel like I have 5 days to go out to the Vineyard on Monday. I just dont have time. I suppose you cant really feel that until the deadline comes.
|
|
| Return to the States |
[15 Aug 2007|02:08pm] |
I got back from Spain yesterday. My trip was fantastic, more then anything I could have ever asked for or expected it to be.
I feel on top of the world. I still have that feeling of independance. I can do anything I want to do, and I can do it by myself if I have to.
On the downside, I got some bad news that had been withheld from me while I was away. I haven't really managed to process all of it. Actually, I haven't really managed to think about any of it. It's surreal. Just like being back in the States. Being home.
|
|
| I am a little bit conflicted |
[15 Jul 2007|12:45am] |
Copenhagen has been a lot of fun. I've been living on my own and taking the metro into the city every day. It's practically Cambridge, only everyone speaks Danish. Another language that I just cant seem to get a hang of. It's been weird, coming home to an empty apartment and having to make my own food and entertain myself. Like some of my time in Turkey, only here it has a feel of real life echoing. It's exciting.
I got an email from my Dad today. I guess my dog is starting to feel his age. My Dad doesn't really know everything thats going on, but from the tests he says Milo has been getting, I know he's getting old. If I really think about it, it freaks me out.
I leave for Spain tomorrow, so I wont have access to the internet or to the phone. We go into town every once and a while, so I can check my email once every other week or so. Surreal, exciting, I dont even know what else. I do know this: packing makes me antsy, and I have to make sure I'm done packing.
|
|
| With a pack on my back and a smile on my face |
[09 Jul 2007|01:04am] |
Tomorrow, I have to start packing up my hotel room. I have to cram everything back into those two bags and get ready for another round of "try to find where you are going without getting on the wrong train/plane". I leave Istanbul on Tuesday, and as hard as it was for me to adjust being here on my own, I have finally done just that. The idea of traveling to all these different places is great, and it has been a real blast, but at this point, I dont want to be traveling anymore. I dont want to think about how I have to get up and walk blindly through some crowds to get to my next bed which still wont be mine, and will only be on loan for 5 days. I have enjoyed everywhere I have been, but moving to the next place is getting really tiring.
I have only been on the road for a little over a month. Granted, with my internet access limited and my phone all messed up, it feels like I have been away from home longer then just a month. It's about 1am here, and I was going to try to slip online for a little bit but AIM has decided it doesnt feel like working. The usual. I suppose that is a sign that it's time for bed. As I have Meghan's computer, that means that I will be seeing her tomorrow before I leave so she can get it back. This weekend has been an absolute blast, quite unlike anything I have ever done before. Turkey in general, unlike anything I have ever done before.
There are ugly people trying to mack it with eachother in some new reality show on my tv. The best part is: it's being dubbed in Turkish, but I can make out the English underneath. A whole new way of watching and mocking reality tv.
Here's hoping everyone back in the States is doing well and having a good summer!
|
|
| I fly thousands of miles away, and the work still follows me |
[26 Jun 2007|01:32pm] |
Hello from Germany! Greece was amazing, and after two and a half weeks of touring through dig sites all over the mainland and Crete, I made it to Germany to see Clara all on my own and I am having a wonderful time.
Europe kind of does life right. Why dont I live over here? Oh yah, all the people I miss from back home.
So I got my reading list from NTI today. The summer list, yes. 25 books/plays to be read before I start in September. Oh, and memorize 6 monologues and prepare, I kid you not, a SONG. They want me to sing. In front of people. It's almost funny, and then it really isn't.
So aside from the copious amounts of work that await me to be done in three weeks when I get back, I have so much to look forward to here. Tomorrow, Clara and I are going to Italy on a whim. Yes, it's kind of crazy, but hey, while I'm here, I figure I will see as much as possible and worry about anything else for when I get back to America.
Well, it's about 1:30 in the afternoon here, so nobody at home is even half awake, I'm sure. Time to get ready to go into the city and grab some lunch.
Note: During my trip, I will run through 6 different native languages, five time zones, and I cant even count how many flights. AMAZING!
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
sjine's journal